**************************************

if you just believe

2011-01-11T03:14:00.009+10:00

the warning says, "muddy/not developed trail; drop to 300 ft may hurt; classified medium to difficult hike but view is fascinating"

when i saw this, i changed my mind instantly about wanting to go hiking despite the supposedly beautiful sight at the end of the trail. why, i cannot even climb up the stairs at the mall without cursing when the escalator is not working!

besides, when did i ever survive a long walk, mud or no mud, without slipping? errrrr... never??

but just when i was about to back out, 12 yr old daughter announced that whoever won’t go shall be tickled until tickle doesn’t tickle anymore?! oh geez.. that was my cue to just get on the track and dearly hope that being used to hours of walking when shopping would pan me out.

so goes the song in my mind: “a hiking we will go, a hiking we will go, hi-ho the dairy-o a-hiking we will go!”

in between the singing, i had to halt a good number of times because i dropped my butt on the ground more than i can count with the fingers on my two hands.. yap, much like the frequency and cycle of my aches and pains day in and day out - as one frustration ends, another begins. when it is forgotten, a different problem comes along. and so on and so forth with the loop. often, there is no sign that i can handle the hurdle. only faith in my heart that says, “ trust you will get by IF YOU JUST BELIEVE ”.

my conviction springs from the message in harry potter, the movie : it is not our abilities that show what we truly are; rather, it is our choices.

ay, this is a sneak preview of what i should remember in my daily struggles : that i may come unprepared but i have all that i need : a choice to finish.. that i shouldn’t doubt, for this, too, shall pass.. that i will fall repeatedly, but i can get up the same number of times next.. because life is like a difficult trail -- muddy and not developed, every drop will hurt, but the fascination is worth it.

and it is true with this hike as well, which i finished alive and most importantly, saved from the tickle :-)

by the way, the view, as promised, was a beauty!

i should do another one.

a s l i f e g o e s o n..

hope springs eternal

2009-11-21T18:52:00.008+10:00

i recently reconnected with old friends that i didn't think i would be in touch with again after we have all moved to the next phase/s of our lives. good thing we figured that we may be separated by distance but not too far with the wonders of technology.

and so via email, we exchanged stories of how fate has treated us since decades ago when young age was still our good excuse for being carefree.

i learned that 3 are battling cancer. two have failed in marriage. one weeps at missing her career. another still longs to have a child. and the last is deep in debt.

i can go on with our list of frustrations, and clearly what i want to say is that each of us has struggles. each has pain to endure. each is lonely somehow. each cries every now and then.. to think that we envisioned such a jolly future for us way back then.

that was, however, just one part of our stories. the continuation is actually rather amusing : one is happily married albeit having a long distance affair with the husband. another is doing well with their food business so never mind the weight gain that came with the bucks. one is enjoying the frequent travels that work requires; hence glad to be free and single. another is earning big time and loving the city where she is now based. and there is the one that brags about becoming an expert in cooking that she can do it side by side with rachel ray. sweet..

suffice it to say, all have been surviving anyway – not much by choice, but by circumstance. you see, opportunities keep emerging; help keeps knocking; blessings keep coming. really, hope springs eternal for this group.

such is the make of a human heart, i guess – you tickle it and it giggles; you hurt it and it toughens. no matter what the weather is, it will keep on beating loud enough to remind us that we are okay. thus, all continue to afford a good laugh even at the lousiest joke.

i just remembered, there is one classic song that mirrors how we manage our battles:

“the blues they send to meet me won’t defeat me

It won’t be long till happiness steps up to meet me”

indeed, after the calm comes the storm; but after the storm, comes the sun. bright and shiny, you bet.

so next time that ondoy pours at our lives, my girlfriends and i will simply sing altogether:

“i’m never gonna stop the rain by complaining

because i’m free, and nothin’s worrying me!”

a s l i f e g o e s o n..

heart space

2009-04-19T23:59:00.022+10:00

recently, i saw some scratches on our dinner table. it’s not really noticeable, but i chose to immediately have it refurbished. i’m thinking it would be best to fix it now rather than when it already hurts the whole look of it. as soon as it was pulled out of the house, our dining area showed a considerable open space despite putting a temporary table, smaller but just the right size for us, in the same spot. suddenly i got the space that i didn’t think i have but i have been wanting! i realized the trick is simple : do away with excess.

as if confirming this to me, i saw an article in a magazine that outlines ways to de-clutter your place. in summary it says, “let go of your old stuff”. at first i wasn’t sold to the idea because i am such a silly romantic who wants to keep things that come with stories – you know, like the shoes that i wore on my graduation and clothes that prove i was under 100 lbs once upon a time J

and then i remember my daughter donating her memorable but no longer needed things -- costumes from previous ballet recitals, toys for infants, books in kindergarten, to name a few. it didn’t only make her room much bigger and brighter; it also added to an institution’s earnings. so why can’t i do that???? for the greater good, right? hmmm... i can’t believe i’m taking the cue from a 10 yr old who watches cartoons while i’m looking mature in front of the computer..

it should be the same in our lives, i ponder. in my case for instance, holding on to past emotional baggage uses up so much space in my heart. i’m referring to an old grudge with the person that badly bruised my heart in my much younger years. i have not forgotten even after the many years that passed, despite the wonderful blessings i got along the way in exchange for the tears i shed and pain i endured then. i promised myself to forgive only when i hear sorry from the person. i continue to believe it will come “one day”; thus, i keep the ill feelings alive.

but just like the big dinner table i removed to vanish the scratches, i guess it will afford me extra space in my heart to bury this century old hatchet . who am i fooling anyway .. that “one day” may never come; and if it does, what do i even care still??? i have since recovered and am well taken care of. it’s not a perfect world always, but my heart definitely beats now with a healthy smile.

hannah montana nailed it when she said, “life is a hard climb, but the view is terrific”. i ought to agree (geez, that’s one more lesson from another child??!!) .

from this day on , therefore, i shall “let go of the old stuff”. forgive the pain; forget the sorry..

bruises no more, so i can look forward to plenty heart space.

my good morning has broken..

a s l i f e g o e s o n..

somewhere over the rainbow

2008-10-29T10:44:00.046+10:00

one decade ago, i started to see the rainbow as bright, not gloomy.

this is how it happened..

we're six children in the family, and i have no qualms in saying that i am my parents' favorite. i wish i can say that it is because i'm the prettiest (nahh.. my elder sister happens to be a few baths fairer!!! grrr...), or that i am the smartest (my younger brother continues to show us how he is surviving the economy with flying colors even though unarmed with a masteral degree).
it is clear to all that i am the star of the clan because i was -- still am -- such a sickly creature who is a potential '911' subject. :-(

i grew up having regular visits to the hospital that i actually thought we were related to our doctor so we need to see him every so often for 'bonding'.
that is why when i got married, i was almost sure that i would have medical issues in my dream to have a child. true enough, 7 doctors (who were the most popular, most 'expensive' in my country of birth) had the same diagnosis on me : "we don't see a chance for you to be a mother, sorry."

i felt so sad at one point and cried a river... too much, that i could have probably filled up an olympic-sized swimming pool had i gathered all my tears in buckets!

after awhile, the heavens cried with me, it seems. it allowed life to find a way..

one afternoon, i got stuck in terrible traffic because of heavy rains. it was taking too long, and i needed a bathroom break so i stopped at the nearest corner, parked and rushed inside this tall building which i assumed would have clean toilets. after relieving myself, i decided to take a short nap at an inviting bench, as traffic is still at its worse outside. just a few minutes into my relaxation, the door next to my bench opened, and a lady told me, " the doctor is free to see you now, ma'am". i looked around and realized that i was in a hospital extension where all the doctors' clinics are; and that i am right outside an ob-gyne's office. this lady thought i was there for checkup?!

i told her that i left my purse in the car so i'll cancel my visit to the doctor for now. she quickly answered, "no fee on initial consultation". duh!!!!
i didn't have the face to tell the lady that i only had a need to use the bathroom, and that i now want to simply abuse their nice comfy bench outside, so ok, i went through the motion and met the gynecologist alright. it's free anyway.

the doctor was a very optimistic person, who would not give me false hopes but would neither tell me that my fate is decided by medical technology alone. i remember being told the most magical words ever: "God and your faith will always play a part on how you see the rainbow - bright or gloomy."

all i did from then on was believe.. hold on to my faith.. and it turned out, the doctor was right..
despite my poor health and struggling condition, after 7 doctors saying that mine is an impossible dream, with continued consultation, and a lot of prayers, i conceived.

it was not an easy pregnancy, as i was bedridden for the most part of it due to frequent bleeding. neither was it exactly joyful because i have been given several warnings from test results that my baby would either have physical deformities, or be mentally incapacitated.

but the doctor's words never made me lose hope:"God and your faith will always play a part on how you see the rainbow - bright or gloomy."

ten years after, i write this story with tears of happiness as i recall how faith has taken my dream to reality..i gave birth to a beautiful angel. she's a ballerina since age 3; she's healthy and sporty; she's consistently on top of her class; she has no deformities.

"somewhere over the rainbow,
skies are blue

and the dreams that you dare to dream

really do come true

If birds fly over the rainbow
why then, oh why can't i?"

have faith.
a s l i f e g o e s o n..

choose your battles

2007-08-27T22:44:00.000+10:00

if my information is correct, included on the listing of 20 US top grossing films is the “spiderman” series, with all 3 releases making it to the ranks. the earnings total more than a billion dollars -- handsome amount that could mean freeing my country of birth from debt for a generation!
a spider can be a hero, alright..

there must be something about this character that engulfs us tremendously. is it the wanting to learn how to win our every battle? can being a spider guarantee high percentage in emerging victorious in life?

i believe that the most critical component of winning is being qualified to be an opponent in the first place; for how do you even expect to get a good chance if you’re way out of the league, right?

and so when we feel our abilities measure up, we call the shots. never mind analyzing what's in it for us. our convenient excuse is that, 'we are only humans'.
expectedly, we oftentimes allow the situation to get the better of us.
“you have a knack for getting in trouble.” says spiderman.

we plunge into the pit with eyes closed so people won’t say that we don’t have the guts. our pride tells us we can’t allow others to put one over us. we react almost instantly.
and then we hurt badly.
“revenge is like a poison that can take us over and before you know it, it can turn you into something ugly.” ~ aunt may

we always forget to choose our battles; as if we weren’t given a caveat on that nursery rhyme:
"the itsy, bitsy spider climbed up the water spout
down came the rain and washed the spider out”

there are defeats that are just waiting to happen; heights that are not to be conquered. some are accessible, but not necessarily ours to climb.

we will know which ones are meaningful battles if only we choose to recognize our demons; if we pick the fights that will make us a better person, not the ones that will turn us to a peter parker in the jetblack suit.

a spider waits until the sun has 'dried up all the rain'.
maybe we should take the cue..
“out came the sun and dried up all the rain
so the itsy, bitsy spider went up the spout again."

it may be best if we wait for our hearts to heal awhile. it may be best to set aside our pride and retribution. it may be best to be less human.
then and only then should we wrestle the world, for we can be sure that a sound reason is on our side.

our favorite movie asks, " can a man confront the forces of darkness without giving in to them?"
we can begin the fight by remembering the words that uncle ben left us: “a man changes into the man he's gonna become for the rest of his life. be careful who you change into.”

there is more to war than simply winning. in courts, they refer to it as 'justice'. in daily life, we call it 'fairness'.

be a spider and choose your battles.
a s l i f e g o e s o n..

in her shoes

2006-05-03T16:22:00.001+10:00

in her shoes is a movie about two sisters with nothing much in common. as the plot tells us, maggie and rose feller are exact opposites when it comes to values, goals and personal style. maggie barely graduated from high school, recycles jobs and men in life as quickly as yesterday's newspapers, and is virtually homeless. rose, on the other hand, is an educated lady and is at all times sought for help as maggie’s poor decisions take a toll on her life.

this movie caught my attention as the tale comes too familiar in my heart. i happen to know a never-ending story, much like the parable of maggie and rose, which begun in a small town back home. here is how it goes:

once upon a time, there were 2 sisters, gina and grace, who, from birth, already carved their destiny unrelated to each other. gina grew up not challenging her intellectual capability; when grace grabbed every opportunity for further studies. gina always found time to be mischievous; as grace unconsciously remained less of a burden to the family. gina always acts as the victim and never takes blame for her bad luck; while grace seems to have eternal good fortune, forever able to assist in the eyes of mankind.

i used to seek definitive answers on why the big difference in fate between them ever happened when they came from the same parents, lived in the same house, even shared the same room in the early days. this movie offers an excuse. when art imitates life, we learn a lesson or two.

with this story, it occurred to me that, perhaps, we all could take just one of two roles in this world: you either choose to be the receiver, or agree to be the giver. when one is already a recipient, the other can only be a donor; hence, gina's role was molded the way it is in the story, and grace’s character was shaped as a consequence.

grace is tasked to share whatever richness she worked for. if grace delays, people judge her to be limiting charity when society expects generosity. should she complain for humanity’s one-sided judgment? i guess not, as the movie suggests.

grace should be happy to serve as donor; the hard role of being the less fortunate has been taken away from her by gina. it was sure, after all, that grace's meek abilities would not survive to be the poor.

gina, like maggie in the movie, paved the way and chose to be ‘in her shoes’. now grace has to carry gina to survival until eternity.. as to who is heroic, only HE shall decide.

they say in every family there is a black sheep. after much thought, i say every black sheep could only come from the longing for a family.

if indeed i am a donor, i shall not complain; for i take it from john d. rockefeller jr. who said, "think of giving not as a duty but as a privilege."

by the way, i have a sister called gina; and my real name is grace.
some odds..
as life goes on..

the law of all laws

2006-04-11T23:10:00.000+10:00

"aequum et bonum est lex legum."
what is good and equitable is the law of all laws.

i first heard this maxim when i joined a sorority in law school a couple of heartaches and 20 pounds ago. i am in support of this opinion, and had hope to not ever have the wanting to remind anyone that comes my way of how the word ‘fairness’ should be humanity’s slogan.

and then last week’s event took place:
i saw 2 little girls, of different nationalities, talking to each other – girl1 asked if she can play with girl2; girl 2 said no, “because you don’t have my skin color”.
girl1 ran away in tears to mommy, while girl2 exchanged smiles with her daddy.

i find it disturbing to realize how even the youngest of mankind would describe people by the shade of their skin, when at no effort, we can be more human to be colorblind.

coincidentally, i witnessed this while reading the news about some refugees rallying to be granted legal stay in a country where they have proven to be assets and not liabilities; contributors, and not robbers. the government is not considering yet.

i would understand the need to evict criminals threatening to halt peace and safety; but to reject fellowmen of good moral character???? somebody tell me, please, how, in the first place, can specific citizens own specific parts of the world and keep it to themselves, when God intended all of us to coexist and share HIS blessings with one another.

what is good and equitable is the law of all laws.
when will we have the audacity to bow down and recognize this credo..

This land is your land, this land is my land
La,la,la…

This land was made for you and me

As I was walking a ribbon of highway
I saw above me an endless skyway
I saw below me a golden valley
This land was made for you and me

As I was walkin' - I saw a sign there
And that sign said - no tress passin'
But on the other side .... it didn't say nothin!
Now that side was made for you and me!

we simply lost memory of the song :-(
a s l i f e g o e s o n..

if i can do magic

2005-11-24T15:24:00.000+10:00

my daughter’s fascination these days is in magic. she got a book on tricks that she would try on me with matching abracadabra command.

pretty much she has taken a crack on most of the cool tricks in that book, so as she runs out of "magic", my 7-yr old asks me what i wish to have in this world, and she’ll attempt to work magic to get it for me. i could only smile and sigh, for i know that no magic is possible to achieve what i desire.

it must be fun though to see it coming..

you can do magic
you can have anything that you desire.
magic..
and you know you're the one who can put out the fire.

you know darn well
when you cast your spell
you will get your way;
when you hypnotize with your eyes
a heart of stone can turn to clay.
doo, doo, doo ...

how good can it be if only we can actually do magic and get things our way, eh?

if i can do magic, i would have made myself the healthiest person growing up, not knowing any form of pain and sorrow physically and emotionally. i would have felt just bliss and grandeur every moment in my life.
if i can do magic, i would have seen myself become a lawyer as my parents had planned. i would have stopped craving for continued education with the thought that i have enough intelligence to understand anything.
if i can do magic, i would have already traveled in all continents. i would have been done exploring the wonders of the world, not only in books, also in actuality, even in luxury.
if i can do magic, i would have at least 2 kids, a twin maybe, so it’s double the pride i have right now. i would have spent every minute delighted with mommy duties times 2.
if i can do magic, i would have been so rich that i won't feel guilty shopping like crazy, let alone worry for the rainy days.
if i can do magic, there is no end to my youthfulness in looks and in thinking. i would always be forgiven for my mistakes because being young is often stupidity conveniently interpreted as innocence.
if i can do magic, there would not have been goodbyes from mom and dad.. no loneliness, no tears.

that’s if can do magic..

but as it is, only GOD can do magic.

and so i grew up knowing pain and sorrow in some pitiful moments; in the process, i grew tough and ready to face challenges.
only GOD can do magic so i did not become a lawyer as my parents had wanted. as a result, i continue to have interest in learning and developing and growing in a more meaningful way.
only GOD can do magic so i have set foot only on a part of the world yet, which stops me from losing interest in its wonders. i remain amazed with stories of countries that my naked eyes can only hope to see for real.
only GOD can do magic so i got just one kid that's exactly what my limited ability can handle. it makes me focus well on my career as a mother; on the side, affords me time to relax myself.
only GOD can do magic so i’m far from being rich, which taught me to appreciate simple things, and conscientiously reminds me to save for the rainy days.
only GOD can do magic so each passing day takes away part of my youthfulness; in exchange, i earn wisdom and maturity.
only GOD can do magic so mom and dad have gone to the life after, where they finally see the peace we all wish this world isn't short of.
only GOD can do magic so i’m one blessed creature.

i am glad that only GOD can do magic..
this thanksgiving, it’s a good realization for me.

did i say it's good to do magic?

on second thought, i guess i’ll just borrow my daughter’s book for the tricks that complement me more.
a s l i f e g o e s o n..

tagged

2005-08-13T21:18:00.001+10:00

i’m taking a short break from pondering on life’s intricacies.. just this one time, i shall abide by the rules of the name called “tagged” – only because it came from someone who is too nice that i can’t say i never keep the fun going on things like this. even chain letters die on my lap; but for the love of a friend, here goes, mavs..

five things i love to do with family/friends (but if by chance, i am alone, i’d be just as happy to carry out); these activities revitalize me.. exactly what i need to take on life’s challenges every now and then :
1. travel.. exploring the beautiful cities of this oh-so-complex world is, to me, the best way to get educated on some of God’s wonderful creations.
2. shop. nothing beats the way hoarding makes me release stress :-)
3. daydream. fulfilling hopes on my own sweet time inspires me all the more to not just wait for fate to happen -- i work it out.
4. watch the sunset. when the day seems unbearably cruel, the coming of the dusk says all else will come to an end; and rest i shall, thank heavens.
5. clean up. pure dwelling, sound mind.

three names i go by :
1. bu
2. gracia
3. honey

three “screen names” i have had :
1. beadle (as i was constantly the “secretary” during my ateneo days)
2. daddy’s girl (need i explain..)
3. ‘OC” (a.k.a freak? oh, geez..)

three physical things i like in myself :
1. feet
2. shoulders
3. cheeks

three physical things i don’t like in me :
1. eyes - it’s a penitence to always rely on glasses
2. arms – not “sleeveless” friendly since motherhood became me:-(
3. skin - dry spell won't leave! grrrrrr...

three parts of my heritage :
1. filipina
2. spanish
3. british (hey, i’m working on this one to happen! he..he..)

three things that scare me :
1. snakes
2. my daughter getting used to my absence due to work
3. that i may be too sick to take care of the family

three of my everyday essentials :
1. tools to pray
2. vanity bag in the car (that means lip gloss, mirror, extra shoes, extra bag, extra sunglasses)
3. cash/credit card

three of my most favorite songs :
1. just the way you are
2. i will
3. i can see clearly now

three things i want in a loving relationship :
1. respect on each other’s individuality
2. the feeling of comfort and peace even when apart
3. signs of a happy future

three things people say that i know are lies :
1. i won’t do it again, mom (yeah, right..)
2. although you didn’t win, you’re the best (then why didn’t i win???? hmmmpppp..)
3. i’ll pay you as soon as i have money (hohumm…)

three things people say that i know are true :
1. you can’t have it all.. win some, lose.
2. all hurts will come to pass
3. if i can see it, then i can do it; if i just believe it, there’s nothing to it! (go, jordan!!)

three physical things on the opposite sex that appeal to me :
1. height
2. abs
3. teeth

three of my favorite hobbies :
1. laughing with kyle
2. writing
3. traveling

three things i want to do badly now :
1. fly again.. day in and day out.. really.
2. pig out. seafoods, mangoes, seafoods, mangoes.. and lots of chocolates, pls!
3. lose weight.. yap, right after the “pig out” session.

three careers i hoped for / would hope for :
1. pilot
2. social worker
3. interior designer

three places i want to go on vacation :
1. rome. the best i have so far been to
2. new zealand. the pictures and the stories are so inviting
3. manila. never mind the pollution and bad traffic; midnight sale will more than make up for that!

three kids' names i like :
1. mikaela francesca (my daughter kyle got it)
2. jada beatrice (my 1st choice for a daughter when i was infanticipating yet)
3. rain gabriel (my ready name in case i will be blessed with a son)

three things i want to do before i die :
1. see my daughter happily married and adjusted with motherhood (needless to say, i want to grow old)
2. visit the holy land
3. save a life

three ways that prove i am such a girl :
1. shopping always makes me smile
2. i’m forever conscious of my looks, clothes, smell
3. travel light? no way!

three people i admire most :
1. mother teresa. the dedication moves me.
2. my parents ( i count them as one)
3. kyle. she brings me and john enormous joy even without moving a muscle. how does she do that..

and the rest of mankind? (here comes the pondering, alright)..
what are the chances that i would meet an alter ego? can at least 2 people have the same passion, the same desires? if not even identical twins can have exactly the same prints, how many choices are there in life!!

i’m overwhelmed..
a s l i f e g o e s o n..

life begins..

2005-07-15T18:44:00.000+10:00

it's my birthday in a few days, and i would so love to ( re )start life.. yes, commence after decades.. for wasn’t it said that it isn’t at birth, rather, at a certain age that, truly, life begins.

i saw an ad that claims, "life begins at 65".. c'mon, no way it can take that long!! it must have been coined only by that man who finished law school at 63.
the argument of those who can’t hide gray hair anymore is that "life begins at 40". by reason of a majority vote, this should be more sensible; except when you hear a debutante stating that "life begins at 18"?! i wonder which one is it, really..

Someone said, life is not the breaths that take your moments away, but the moments that take your breath away.. given this premise, i think i'll finish humanity's subject "decision-making 101" with flying colors.. what with all my stories that would make anyone grasp for air to live! he.. he..

seriously, it’s been awhile now that i have been trying to imagine how people who know me would describe the way i live my life; how i have so far (mis?) managed my persona. it must be the coming of age that brought me to consciously look into this.

"it's not who i am underneath, but what i do that defines me." so says the caped crusader.

if that covers even the distant past, oh, dear.. i’m in trouble..
there was one point in time when i became an expert in picking the wrong choice always -- like i’d utilize all the bad decisions prior to settling for the right move. why i allowed myself to experience that phase, i have no idea, given that common sense was/is right on my face and the right values never escaped my mind.

ignorance in youth got in the way? boy, if i can get a penny every time i hear that, i’d now be rubbing elbows with bruce wayne, the billionaire guy!

but while i may have been silly once upon a short time ( in my defense, it was just a short period ), life didn’t ( yet ) give up on me. 100 stupid acts certainly were not enough for good fortune to leave me; it only meant i have discovered the 100 ways on how not to go for it the next time ( although i must admit that it was way too much trial and error..)

good ole alfred pennyworth's wisdom tells us another manner to look at it: "why do we fall? so that we might better learn to pick ourselves up."

i love this butler. gives me courage to continue asking how am i perceived by the rest of mankind.

unfavorable although some replies may be, no worries on that for me; as i can redeem myself at any rate i need to.
"gotham isn’t beyond saving." and so am i!

quo vadis, bday girl? i'm about to see.. wherever it is, i'll take with me the lesson on how batman begins; and i conclude:

the opportunity to recover what could be a lost character will present itself -- until i run out of life, of moments to take my breath away..

carpe diem.
a s l i f e g o e s o n….

music on air

2005-07-06T03:11:00.000+10:00

a melody plays on air while i wish for a tune to come with my voice so i may say:

Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road
Time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go
So make the best of this test, and don't ask why
It's not a question, but a lesson learned in time
It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.

So take the photographs, and still frames in your mind
Hang it on a shelf in good health and good time
Tattoos of memories and dead skin on trial
For what it's worth it was worth all the while
It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.

a s l i f e g o e s o n . .

with an attitude

2005-06-18T17:12:00.000+10:00

during my school years, i can count with my fingers on one hand the number of times i joined a contest. very few. not that i didn’t want to be competitive then; it’s just that i was not a good sport; so to save me from tears, i limited my participation to those fun-filled activities.

i still remember how i cried a river in 5th grade when i lost a lead role in school play. i so wanted to play “the little girl, goldilocks” and did my best in the audition. when out of 10 hopefuls only 2 (one was me) got a second call, i thought i nailed it . on the final selection, however, it was awarded to the other girl, a 6th grader. you bet, i hated her to the max..
my sadness in this experience lasted a long while, and my immaturity led me to develop some sense of vulnerability since then.

losing, to me, is like being robbed of a big part of my earnings. i am passionate about winning, that walking away with nothing is a big heartache..

but not until recently when i caught an interview with one contender in a game show. the man shared an impressive hindsight when he didn’t emerge the winner.

in his words, the message was, “i came here with the mindset that i have nothing to lose. i'm happy for the winner; put a little love in my heart. i’m not like most contestants who say they lost when they didn’t win. i say that’s wrong thinking. when you say you lost, that means the prize was yours at the very start, and it was just stolen... stolen?? c'mon, need i remind them that the prize is yet to be someone's possession? non-winners, your blessings were not diminished; you just didn’t add up to a certain extent! tough luck, you didn’t gain as you wish you had; but hey, you didn’t lose either. . yap, i face the audience with an attitude. i take charge of my fate”

good will hunting. how come i didn’t hear that as early as when i was in 5th grade? or should i have known that on my own since forever?? what was i thinking.. i could have saved my life some serious stress had i realized that logic in the olden days! that’s one healthy food for thought..

now, more than ever, i give credence to the words of wisdom nicely written in a poster hanging at my bathroom – it says:

the longer i live, the more i realize the impact of attitude on life.
attitude, to me, is more important than facts.
it is more important than the past, than education, than money,
than circumstances, than failure, than successes,
than what other people think or say or do.
it is more important than appearance, giftedness, or skill.
it will make or break a company, a church, a home.

the remarkable thing is that we have a choice every day
regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day.
we cannot change our past;
we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way.
we cannot change the inevitable.
the only thing we can do is play on the one string we have,
and that is our attitude.

i am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me
and 90% how i react to it.
and so it is with you.
we are in charge of our ATTITUDE.

igan’s car plate is so right : "attitude = altitude".. truly, our chosen outlook brings that high feeling influencing our mood, our state of emotion..

with an attitude, i can better appreciate a no-prize experience, be happy for the winner, "put a little love in my heart".. much like that wise contender’s mindset, kindness will be my guide.
subsequently, the world of challenges would be a better place for me, winner or not, and for whoever beats me, fair or otherwise.

wooohoo0... it'singing break again :-)

think of your fellow man
lend him a helping hand
put a little love in your heart
you see it's getting late
oh please don't hesitate
put a little love in your heart
and the world will be a better place (2x)
for you and me
you just wait and see

another day goes by and still the children cry
put a little love in your heart
if you want the world to know
we won't let hatred grow
put a little love in your heart
and the world will be a better place (2x)
for you and me
you just wait and see

take a good look around
and if you're lookin' down
put a little love in your heart
i hope when you decide
kindness will be your guide
put a little love in your heart
and the world will be a better place (2x)
for you and me
you just wait and see

next time i gear up for a battle, i’m good to the end.

let the gauntlet be thrown.
a s l i f e g o e s o n..

if you got it flaunt it; if you lack it, fake it!

2005-05-19T16:23:00.000+10:00

sheer fashion and good sports don’t go together for me. that’s why i’ve never been a personality at the latter – never a contender, rarely a supporter... well, neither am i an expert in fashion, but i’m always a supporter, and would love to be a contender! i drool at the sight of the stars all dressed up for the golden globe awards night. boy, it must be fun panic buying stuff for a walk on the red carpet!

no thanks to scarcity of funds, window-shopping is all that i can afford to do often :-(
plus my conscience is always on guard.. what i would spare to get a ralph lauren sunglasses, i can use to feed a big family in a day.. a louis vuitton tiny bag? dearest, that’s all i have to give up for next month’s rent! hay..

am i glad there’s the convenience of “uniform only when on duty” policy in place; i have less to worry about if ever i have to work..
however, that does not decide for the magic that i desire for my hair. and i ain’t leaving this unresolved for the world!

oh, how delighted i am whenever a stranger approaches me to say that my hairstyle looks so simple yet enviable. modesty aside (and yes, i can’t believe it, too..) i’ve had that one minute of fame happening in more than one occasion. the best part of it is that the stranger is a woman!! for me, it’s more flattering to be noticed by women than men, given that most men tend to be “compassionate” in hope to be called a hero?!

a woman rarely compliments another woman, but when she does, it's usually extra kind.. “you carry your style so well. as they say, if you got it, flaunt it!"

encounters like that are liberating; give me the feeling that a trip to the salon is indeed a “must do” task every three weeks to a month without fail, lest i want those kind women to know that i carry a make-believe look.. you see, i have a well-kept secret: i don’t have naturally nice hair :-(.. one of my biggest frustrations, i don’t have it so can’t flaunt it..

i envy those who can throw caution to the wind with trying out whatever is the latest in haircut or experimenting with different brands of shampoo. my hair type is actually one that is so inconsiderate. my good fate is drawn only in a salon. miss one treatment and bam!!!! it’s bad hair day in the offing.
my savior is a a lot of quiet time getting treatments called hairspa, highlight, trim.. right, the works.. to think that i sport super short hair!

i do share God's blessings in me with the less fortunate; but when my crowning glory is the matter, forgive me conscience, the “feed-your-needy-relative first” issue is not for discussion. this is the only personal luxury i refuse to compromise.

i’m not really into putting on fancy makeup (i have no patience painting on my face) or wearing perfume (i tend to get migraine attack on that); but no way will i be caught with a bad hair day. especially in this cruel world when a happy day isn’t always imminent, i got to do something to pan me out. i refuse to be sad and 'uncoiffured' at the same time.

i praise beauty experts more than i do a bunch of government officials. stylists make me want to pay them more with their work while most senators make me want to take our money back! a salon transforms a cinderella to a princess; the congress transforms cinderella to another cinderella. the cosmetologists get my vote then.

call it a girl thing; there isn’t a chance i’d turn my back against the quest to pretend that vanity exists in me. i embrace the strategy: “if you lack it, fake it.” :-)

i know, i know.. people obsessed like me are freaks.. the nerve to have over concern on a “not-at-all-critical-to-humanity’s-survival” topic!

disgusting priority?.. hey, cut me some slack. i’m from venus, not from mars; hence, a pardonable act.. or not??

if someone asks me, it's a sad reality that the rest of mankind will have to deal with: freaks have it their way.
as life goes on.

turning japanese-ah!

2005-05-10T09:52:00.001+10:00

i would say about 70% of tourists (at least in my area) are japanese. go fly my way and you’ll see them here, there, and everywhere. no wonder it is a requirement by my choice of airline that frontline employees get to know that language. speak japanese or we're not hiring you! – that’s the clear message. ergo, turning japanese-ah! is my resolution this year.

the first time i looked at the study guide, i resembled a no-read-no-write little girl. how do i say “ onimotsu ga ooki no de; watakushi ga chekkuin shimassho”??? and who can read “toire dewa otabako wa suwanai de kudasai”??? holy macaroni.. this, definitely, is torture. that’s why i didn’t date a japanese -- i can’t pronounce their words, let alone read their characters!

but i’m married to my love for flying so on to this tongue twister exercise..

surprise, surprise.. one month after, i rock! throw me a japanese conversation now, from 'konichiwa' to 'dajooba desu ka?' to 'mata owai shimashoo' to 'sayonara' and whatever there is in between, i can handle the situation. just make sure it’s "cabin talk" (you know, be considerate and limit the discussion to your needs on air, please); otherwise, i’m still lost.. which brings me back to my problem of conquering the japanese infested flights.

but then again, thanks to the glossary below that i got somewhere, i just might be able to bridge the gap.. and with a good laugh!

Learn Japanese in 3 minutes...
English: He's cleaning his automobile
Japanese: Wa Shing Ka

English: This is a tow away zone
Japanese: No Pah King

English: Is there a fugitive here?
Japanese: Hu Yu Hai Ding?

English: Small Horse
Japanese: Tai Ni Po Ni

English: Your price is too high!!
Japanese: No Bai Nut Ting!!

English: Did you go to the beach?
Japanese: Wai Yu So Tan?

English: I bumped into a coffee table
Japanese: Ai Bang Mai Ni

English: It's very dark in here
Japanese: Wai So Dim?

English: Has your flight been delayed?
Japanese: Hao Long Wei Ting?

English: I thought you were on a diet?
Japanese: Wai Yu Mun Ching?

English: They have arrived
Japanese: Hia Dei Kum

English: Your body odour is offensive
Japanese: Yu Stin Ki Pu

English: You know lyrics to the Macarena?
Japanese: Wai Yu Sing Dum Song?

English: I got this for free
Japanese: Ai No Pei

English: Stay out of sight
Japanese: Lei Lo

nice one, eh?
isn’t it great.. what language has done to separate people of different races, humor tries to reunite to save the day!
in joan's words, "if i ever hook with a japanese guy, i'm set!" :-) he..he..

i kid you not, a joke is a welcome tool in one’s survival kit when struggling in this world.
i'll keep it handy.
as life goes on.

my paradise

2005-04-30T01:23:00.000+10:00

whenever it's school break, the airline industry enjoys terrific business. i’d bet my bottom dollar that, if expense issues were not a consideration, rome is to be the most sought after vacation spot in the world, if it isn’t yet.

the whole city is a work of art. without a doubt, it’s paradise.

of course another blogger can disagree; in fact at least one categorically did, and claims that palawan is definitely 'the paradise' on earth.

hmmm.. blue skies and clear water.. wonderful, alright.. could be.. weather permitting!

now ask my child where paradise is, and absolutely she will say, “disneyland”!

ow, sure.. i used to have that line of thought, too, kiddo.. and then growing up got in the way :-(

soon i realized that sad stories and horror movies are more real than disneyland and disneysea..

and let me not forget a friend’s declaration that there is no better place to be but new york city. i wonder why!

save for the ride to the statue of liberty that allows you a glimpse of the city that doesn't sleep,

and the architecture of saint patrick’s cathedral, where even sitting by the steps outside is calming,

there is nothing much that fascinates me in the big apple.

but the new york girl claims it’s a haven, so be it.

the list goes on with every dreamer having his own portrait of paradise.
paradise.. so essential, so huge a word.. which place, certainly, deserves the title?

i guess it’s tough picking a single destination in this world where you can be in high spirits, good enough to call paradise, sufficiently fitting to affirm a lovely song..

"what a wonderful world"

i see trees of green, red roses too

i see them bloom for me and you

and i think to myself, what a wonderful world

i see skies of blue and clouds of white

the bright blessed day, the dark sacred night

and i think to myself, what a wonderful world

the colors of the rainbow so pretty in the sky

are also on the faces of people passing by

i see friends shaking hands, asking "how do you do?"

they're really saying "i love you"

i hear babies cry, i watch them grow

they'll learn much more than i'll ever know

and i think to myself, what a wonderful world

yes, i think to myself, what a wonderful world..

it is quite delightful that my dictionary defines paradise in a manner that won’t need me to buy a trip. i am told that paradise isn’t a venue where you pay a fortune to see breathtaking views. it is not a destination where you spend plenty bucks to catch michaelangelo-worth of sceneries.

apparently, paradise is just a state of mind where you get the rare blessing of serenity and content… an emotion you pray will embrace you forever.. the disneyland you wish will stay for a lifetime.

how, then, can one see rightly if paradise is not a place, but a mere form of bliss? not a city; rather, a feeling deep inside that no one can picture?

plain and simple, virginia. the way to paradise is in the words of the little prince:

"it is only through the heart that one can see rightly;
what is essential is invisible to the eye.”

look beyond the face of this planet. paradise is within our viewing pleasure. a landscape within reach, of which i will never get over the stage of amusement even after being there all the days of my life.

so where again is paradise? right.. i won’t find it in the map of tourist attractions. but it’s a sight to behold.
the good news is, it isn’t far away.

it’s called home.. it’s family.

my paradise.

as life goes on.

fear factor

2005-03-07T23:07:00.000+10:00

doctors (and parents posing as doctors!) claim that one of the worse activities for the brain is watching television; that even educational programs on tv create a passive brain experience. hmmm.. whatever.. i’m not really into watching tv. i’d rather pass time browsing the web, if not cleaning the house on my free time .. except for a few programs that interest me – the likes of "the shield" and "the practice" (this is the closest i can get to being a criminal lawyer, something that could have been my fate had i heed mom's demand). when i chance upon them, i stay on awhile, watch until i’m able to get a gist of the story so i can draw my own closure for the issue. then i'm out.

but not when it’s "fear factor" time -– with this, i am totally a fan! i would even declare hunger strike just to make sure i catch the show from opening to closing credits.

no, i don’t love brutality; in fact, i don’t exactly enjoy seeing the participants battle with their emotions. i just can’t help but wonder how they would survive the call to stare fear in the eye. perhaps i'm hoping to get tips on what to do in case i get into such gruesome situation.

"IMAGINE A WORLD WHERE YOUR GREATEST FEARS BECOME REALITY."

that’s the show’s opening remarks.. as if we’re in a world where our greatest fears aren’t real yet?!

"IF YOU'RE TOO AFRAID TO ATTEMPT A STUNT, YOU'RE ELIMINATED;

IF YOU TRY BUT FAIL TO COMPLETE IT, YOU'RE GONE."

well, isn’t that, in actuality, the deal in our daily life??? makes you think if this whole experience we are into is just a tv program disguised as ‘human existence’.

i’ve been through / going through a few bold “stunts” in this life. pretty much, i can say i’ve had a taste of some fear factor episodes where the prize at stake is not $50,000 like what that show promises, but something more precious -- i call it peace of mind, side by side with peace of heart. grand, eh?
in some, i won unmatched; in others, i took the walk of shame, but only to run into a new stunt where, again, i would win based on my definition. it’s a cycle that goes on and on while i continue to choose to live.

i guess that’s where my fondness for the fear factor show comes from – it psyches me that no one shall perish in our struggles in this world if only we know how to put mind over matter.. that it’s not always the strongest that wins; many times, it’s the underdog who is the most focused.. that each daring stunt in life may afford us some serious pain, but it's all calculated risk, and those who don't hold back on their abilities can breathe a sigh of relief in 3 minutes, so to speak.

most of all, the show reminds me not to dip my hands on "stunts" that aren’t mine to even try. remember the warning:

"THEY ARE EXTREMELY DANGEROUS AND SHOULD NOT BE ATTEMPTED BY ANYONE, ANYWHERE, ANYTIME."

just conquer your assigned fear and you’ll advance.

nice realization from a relatively inhuman program, huh! definitely a need-to-know for those who easily give up.. and i thought watching tv is a no-brainer exercise?!

so, in a nutshell, life is a tv show??? that you’re either a participant or a viewer???

if indeed it is, dare to win where you're a participant, more so if fear confronts you. if you’re a spectator, choose to learn a valued lesson; coz in this case, you can’t change the channel.

but don’t fret; have no fear. bear in mind what my favorite pilot wants me to believe: all fears/hurts come to pass..

i trust it will, captain.. then evidently, every episode of our reality show shall end with us hearing the seven last words of these modern times:

FEAR - IS - NOT - A - FACTOR - FOR - YOU!

a s l i f e g o e s o n ..

it is God's

2005-02-09T10:38:00.000+10:00

my only child wants a baby sister and a baby brother. well, one will do, but if i want to meet her minimum requirement, twins it is. gender isn’t much of an issue; basta she wants a baby in the house. now.
i told her that it would take months to see that through, if at all i can make it happen. ok, please buy me first, she said. as if babies are munchkins that i can acquire in dozens?! my dear, i'm not even a baker..

from birth, all of kyle’s requests (so far) have been manageable – carry me, mommy; i want milk; bubble bath, please; let’s go to Disneyland; may i have another barbie; ice cream! ice cream!

suddenly, another child? oh me , oh my.. i’m not exactly sure i’m ready to support this requisition. if only there’s nothing more to it other than the full-time job of fighting with a growing up kid.. i’m not referring to the postpartum deppression worsened by changing wardrobe because nothing, not even stockings, would fit my body curves for awhile.
and this isn’t about not blinking an eye from sunset to sunrise while hopelessly trying to stop the baby from exercising such powerful vocal chords.
with much sincerity i did enjoy all that. i love playing mother. there are no words enough to describe the joys of parenthood, albeit having to rearrange your life and change priorities.

my hesitation stems from recalling the first time, when it entailed me a year of meeting one doctor after another – more often than my trips to the grocery.. then when i was already in that interesting stage, there was the need to appreciate whatever is showing on television the whole day because i’m in bed for 7 months – sometimes at home, sometimes in the hospital -- to stop profuse bleeding. oh, how i almost got traumatized with the number of times i nearly lost the baby.. i falter with the thought that sacrifices are not mine alone in this quest. the baby feels the adversities, too. of course the doctor could be wrong, but having given the advance notice that subsequent pregnancies may be just as intense, i don't think i want to push my luck a second time. if it comes, it comes; if it doesn’t, thank God that i, at least, have one who makes sure that my patience is put to a test on a daily basis.

come to think of it, why should i worry, have i forgotten that it was when i missed following a doctor’s order that i finally had kyle, healthy and bubbly at that! it was the help of divine intervention that i was too impatient to see coming.

so, that’s it.. unlike before, i’m not bent on challenging the wonders of medicine again. this time, we’ll let fate take its course, not forgetting to pray that: first, john is willing and able to ‘father’ another kid -- you know, emotionally as well as financially. second, that the kid which john will father is also my kid. i mean, geesh.. we ought to make sure we don’t have a third party’s participation in this pursuit! hmmmpppp…

all told, the big guy in heaven has his plans. we can wish and wish all day, but that’s about all we can do, kyle; for just like munckins are made perfectly by bakers only, to produce children is not a couple’s choice; it is God’s.
a s l i f e g o e s o n..

the stuff i'm made of

2005-01-21T13:07:00.000+10:00

every time i get visitors on this site, my eyes grow big in disbelief how people (strangers most of them) care to read my mind, and how i simply don’t care to think aloud.. makes me wonder if my guests have any idea who/how i am beyond what my revealed ponderings say about me..
like, do they know ..
1. i had one crush from kinder until high school (i heard he’s now a pilot.. would have made us a handsome team? huh!!.. sorry for him..)
2. i started driving at age 15;
3. not a car, but a jeep.
4. i have watched "little mermaid" more than 20x to date
5. and i don't mind watching it another 20x.
6. my fantasy is to play "ariel"; and joell is prince erik (no chance for this at all coz joell, too, wants to play ariel!? grrrrr.....)
7. my first love was a famous basketeer, a living legend in manila they call him.

8. naturally, my first heartbreak is that heartless living legend.
9. he refused to see me more than just a little girl in the “fan” mode :-(
10. i broke my right arm in college
11. no one knows the whole truth how it happened
12. it's such a shame, i swear not to tell anyone about it.. ever!
13. that accident made me a “bionic woman” of some sort – i have a metal in the arm that sounds off in some airport devices (that sucks, really!)
14. i dream for 2 careers in life :
15. one is to be a flight attendant
16. that has seen the light, alright
17. the other is to be a newscaster
18. and i promise i’ll be one someday.
19. i don’t care if it’s only on gossip news (nye..),
20 or if it’s just for kyle’s viewing pleasure;
21. this 2nd dream will have it's day.
22. it seems that i have a sixth sense
23. but i refuse to look into it.
24. i love to sing
25. but can’t sing well :-(
26. i love to cook
27. but can’t cook well.
28. i’m not a coffee drinker
29. so why do i have insomnia??!!
30. i don’t like soda;
31. i think it’s fattening
32. but i’m a chocolate addict
33. so i think that’s healthy!??
34. i can’t stand cigarette smoke
35. and i’m allergic to alcohol
36. and i never tried drugs
37. and.. i know!! i know!! my life is boring (hay...)
38. i’m a catholic
39. i seek st jude's assistance praying to my God

40. and i believe in angels.
41. my eyes are so vulnerable
42. i’m blinded when under the sun
43. so it doesn't help that i’m afraid of the dark.
44. i suffer from photophobia
45. but i’m hoping to do photography (ha????)
46. i rarely produce tears
47. and i hardly perspire.
48. i am fond of wood furniture
49. i love the smell of forest
50 i like going to the beach
51. but i'm not at ease swimming in open water
52. green is my favorite color
53. but i prefer to wear yellow.
54. i can’t grow my nails long
55. they always break in two weeks
56. i’m afraid of dogs
57. and i stay away from cats.
58. i adore the "side a" band

59. almost as much as i love the "apo".

60. i'm buying a house in las vegas
61. .. if i can figure out where to get money?! :-(
62. i’m more comfortable wearing boots than rubber shoes.
63. i’ll drop everything to date george clooney

64. even if it means getting a divorce pronto
65. i’m serious!! who says i'm not?!!
66. ..... errrr.. of course, only until john sees this
67. then that line becomes a joke (he..he..)
68. i pig out on 'sinigang'.

69. star apple is my fruit for life.

70. i always have egg on my meals.

71. there was a time i ballooned to 170 lbs
72. but i deflated back to 110 lbs in 3 months (beat that!)
73. “the rock” is my all-time favorite;

74. while “mr bean” irritates me terribly!
75. i speak a little japanese, a little spanish, a little arabic, a little english, and a whole lot of pilipino
76. my longest phone chat lasted for 6 hrs
77. i can’t remember what was it about.
78. although i find it difficult to sleep on roadtrips,
79. i’ll survive a long journey sans talking
80. i have super dry skin
81. so lotion is my bestfriend.
82. the longest cry i had lasted for 40 months
83. yap, tears flooded my world once
84. so i have my own version of “noah’s ark” (only, mine was longer and pathetic)
85. now that story makes me just smile
86. no way i’ll share the details to those who don’t know it.
87. i’m ambidextrous except in writing
88. i don’t feel pretty when i “tuck-in” my shirt
89. i told scott why (and i’ll kill scott if he tells you why)
90. i’m not a morning person
91. i’m more lucid between noon and midnight.
92. being a "leo" often brings me trouble.
93. zarah and mench are like the extra sisters i never had.
94. i would have wanted to be named mikaela
95. i settled with passing it to my daughter
96. ironically, she wants to have been named grace!?
97. the nicest man i know is john
98. the nicest woman i know is winnie
99. the luckiest person i know is me
100. coz john and winnie are stuck with me :-)

whoa.. for my faceless readers to see this list, that’s getting a mindful of the stuff i’m made of!

do they know????
i really wonder..
as life goes on..

obsessive - compulsive

2005-01-15T09:52:00.000+10:00

i went on vacation recently. preparing for that, i ensured that i have enough emergency supplies to put in my luggage and that i won’t need to empty my cabinet at home for this purpose. i’m particularly fixated at stocking up medicines (you know, to treat early signs of sickness to avoid spreading the germs), toiletries (i panic when there’s just one unopened box of tissue left) and, as if it’s customary, chocolates (i’m thinking, sweets are emergency “survival” food when you can’t cook during brownout on typhoon days).
it took me awhile to brace because of several time-outs necessary for my peace of mind – checking more than once that the doors are secured, looking out to see if the car’s still there. (hey, you’ll never know when mr. carnapper shall strike!)

anyway..
i noticed, as i always do, that my stuff are presented in an obvious pattern – the chocolates in the box are arranged according to size and shapes, the medicines grouped on their own separate boxes, the toiletries in straight line. and i never tire of the time-outs i mentioned. which justifies john’s nickname for me: “OC”, otherwise known as obsessive-compulsive.

the “title” doesn’t seem to sound like it’s a healthy mental condition, does it? so am i being accused of having abnormal habits????

let me see…
i constantly move our furnitures to give the house a new look – that is done on a regular schedule without miss: first quarter of the new year, as my reminder-activated-calendar would sound off.
cds are piled according to theme, then alphabetically on singer’s name.
photos are booked on albums based on categories, with descriptions that guests may easily identify.
i have this overconcern on keeping things that would remind me of events – like programs, show tickets, dried flowers, etc..
medicines are always 10 of each, with type-written labels outside their containers (all using “times new roman”, size 8) stating what it is for.
all sheets are white only. all towels, too.
i freak out when the toilet seat cover is up.
i go to every toilet in site. that’s to make sure i don’t have to go when there’s no toilet in site.
i eagerly await permission from a colleague that i clean his car.
i badly want to vacuum the roof of our building.
i keep hoping that somebody maintains my way of filing the forms in the aircraft that i don't even fly these days.

hmmmm…. that seems unusual, alright; and by far affords me candidacy in the ms vanity fair!
for curiosity, i took the obsessive - compulsive screening quiz. the test result supposedly defines my state of mind:

If you scored 0 - 7 : OCD is unlikely; 8 - 11 : OCD is probable; 12 & up : OCD is likely. You scored a total of 27.
Based upon your responses to this screening measure, you are most likely suffering from an obsessive-compulsive disorder. It would be advisable and likely beneficial for you to seek a professional diagnosis from a trained mental health professional in your community immediately.

the reference says: “disorder” screening. say again??? a disorder???? excuse me, how can it be a disorder when you cause everything to be, that’s it, in order???

this obsessive – compulsive thing puzzles me. a beauty secret, or a threat to sanity? is it right to say that it depends on how serious the “disorder” is, and how long you’ve had it?

you see, in my case, it’s not a congenital "disease". am not very proud of that fact, but i recognize that i got the “virus” only by evolution. via some magical wand, hitting the mid 20s resulted to a 360-degree turn on my ways. vanity suddenly engulfed me, wiping out the disgusting memory that once upon a time, i didn’t even know where my socks are actually kept because each drawer in my cabinet has a pair of socks.

in the turn of the century, i became a 'monica gellar'. in other words, neat! :-)
but freak? :-(

so again, is this a blessing or a disaster?
agree or not, this is obviously another one of society's loosely defined phenomenon.

que sera sera.
as life goes on..

daddy's girl

2004-11-26T14:18:00.000+10:00

statistics say that daughters are closer to the fathers than they are to the mothers; this, despite more time, more attention, more service, more food, more everything from the mother.
how strange..

i’m part of that statistics. in fact, my growing up years knew just one hero:

DADDY.

he may not have been a great husband, but he was a wonderful father.

my relationship with dad was so cool, really.
i ask, he replies.
i wish, he fulfills.
often, i don’t even require, he gives.
what i want, i get.

daddy’s girl. yes, that’s me. pampered to the max.

hard spanking? belt-lashing? i have wondered to this day how that would feel coz i don’t recall having experienced them.
i guess my siblings were either too bad that my naughtiness was overlooked, or i have been so good at hiding my mischief for i succesfully liberated my childhood from castigation.
remnants of the untouchables, that's right!

it's only through mom that i knew about the world of sounds and sights when punishing kids (a.k.a. scolding and being grounded), as i have seen her do it to my brothers and sisters.
and when exercising her vocal chords, anyone in sight is a target. we all get our share of daily litany from her outside of sunday mass!

but even that regular occasion in the household had barely hit me especially with dad around. my father was consistent in shielding me from pain. and i know he’d do that now if only he’s still around..

well, trust the guy to work magic -- while my fate takes a roller coaster ride these days, he sneaks out of heaven to visit his 'iha'.
last night, as i drift in deep slumber, he came to hear my sad story of how a good deed never goes unpunished..

i said i hurt, he said i’m fine..
i said i’m not; he said "just wait"..
my hero spoke, so wait i shall.

he must be right.
the conductor said:

"Sometimes the most real things in this world
are the things we can't see."

indeed, a daddy's girl, i remain in time.
as life goes on..

go back to the basics

2004-10-23T23:26:00.000+10:00

count a few more sleeps and election takes place in this part of the world i call home for now. i wonder if the wannabes recall what they read from robert fulghum’s writings once upon a time..

sometimes, it's not having a bright mind that makes the world a better place to live in. sometimes, it's just innocence.

All I Really Need To Know I Learned In Kindergarten

by Robert Fulghum

These are the things I learned: Share everything. Playfair. Don't hit people. Put things back where you found them. Clean up your own mess. Don't take things that aren't yours. Say you're sorry when you hurt somebody. Wash your hands before you eat. Flush. Warm cookies and cold milk are good for you. Live a balanced life - learn some and think some and draw and paint and sing and dance and play and work every day some. Take a nap every afternoon. When you go out into the world, watch out for traffic, hold hands, and stick together. Be aware of wonder. Remember the little seed in the styrofoam cup: The roots go down and the plant goes up and nobody really knows how or why, but we are all like that. Goldfish and hamsters and white mice and even the little seed in the Styrofoam cup - they all die. So do we.
And then remember the Dick-and-Jane books and the first word you learned - the biggest word of all - LOOK.
Everything you need to know is in there somewhere. The Golden Rule and love and basic sanitation. Ecology and politics and equality and sane living. Take any of those items and extrapolate it into sophisticated adult terms and apply it to your family life or your work or your government or your world andit holds true and clear and firm. Think what a better world it would be if all -the whole world - had cookies and milk about three o'clock every afternoon andthen lay down with our blankies for a nap. Or if all governments had a basic policy to always put thing back where they found them and to clean up their ownmess.
And it is still true, no matter how old you are - when you go out into the world, it is best to hold hands and stick together.
********

why don't we ever learn.. when all else fail, go back to the basics.

as life goes on..

winning doesn't always spell victory

2004-10-09T21:49:00.000+10:00

as a nice wristwatch on sale caught my attention in a store the other day, i patiently waited for my turn to be attended by the sales clerk. then while minding my own business in the midst of the crowd, i was taken aback by some words thrown at me:

"AM I BOTHERING YOU??!!"
an irked lady asked me.
"ha?? ah, eh.. no, ma'am" i replied in shock.
"SO WHY DO YOU STARE AT ME LIKE I SHOULDN'T BE HERE??!!"
was her one million dollar question that led to this encounter.

duh!! i don’t even think i glanced at her. i just recognized her existence -- by force, that is -- when she raised her voice for everybody’s hearing pleasure!

"was i looking at you, ma’am? i didn’t realize that.” i quote myself in an effort to be excused.
'WHAT, YOU THINK I'M CROSS-EYED??!!" snaps the feisty lady.

oh, brother..
i swear my mind wanted to exclaim, “ hey, you, judge hatchet dead ringer, give me a break! hmmppp.”

it’s a good thing that brains can’t sound off loudly, and only the voice is heard; thus, what she got from me next was a carefully worded remark :

“i am profusely sorry if i made you uncomfortable, ma’am. not my intention, really.”

with that, she left – but not before saying,

“WELL, NOW YOU’RE ADMITTING YOU’RE IMPOLITE! WAIT TILL YOU BECOME MY AGE, YOU'LL HAVE YOUR SHARE OF RUDENESS FROM THE YOUNG!”

my, my.. damn if you do, damn if you don’t. :-(

how can some people just come out of nowhere and exclaim what they simply imagine!?
paranoia strikes again.

if this happened not on my lucid interval, such provocation would have made my day. i ain’t gonna walk out a loser, no way! grrrrr..

gracias for the blessing of manners, i remembered not to throw an eye for an eye – at least not with a much older lady. i may not have asserted my innocence, yet i got the onlookers' cheering with my show of patience. i didn’t need to prove anything; they all knew better.

dr doogie howser had a point when he once said,

“winning doesn’t always spell victory;

and losing isn’t always a defeat.”

it's enough win that the wristwatch i'm eyeing fits my budget..
and it's in the bag:-)
as life goes on..

go for gold

2004-09-30T11:54:00.000+10:00

i must have given my parents numerous ‘panic’ moments during my growing up years as i often had to take a trip to the hospital due to my notorious accident-prone self, but i have the audacity to say that i frustrated them just once – believe it or not – just one time in their life with me. that was when i let my then silly young heart get the better of me: i gave up law schooling for a stupid first love. i thought it’s worth simply being with superman and feeling like lois lane! what a fantasy.. no, i won’t elaborate on that forgettable episode of my life. in fact i’m ending that story now by saying that i “saw the light” (?) in time, and got back to my senses. period.

all the years that followed had me thinking how i can make up with my mom and dad. for years, i had hope that, someday, i may find a way to cover that ugly scar on my image as a delightful daughter.

however, as fate would have it, my interest in the field of law faded when jobs i landed sidetracked me to the business world. then marriage came.. then motherhood.. then mom and dad expired. no need to redeem myself.. nobody will require it now.. or so i thought!?

suddenly my daughter grew up and said, “you have a grand time going up the stage for my medals always, mom. when’s it my turn to get yours?”
nye..

the pressure just resurrected. this time, more intense coz the one demanding brags about her being a consistent achiever! hmmmm..

ok..ok.. i shall bite the bullet. after all, this may continue inspiring kyle to stay on top. right. don't we all wish that our kids would land where we did not ( ouchhh?!)

what followed was a series of pathetic sleepless nights. worshipping the computer. swallowing the books. deadlines to meet. exams to cheat. crap. why did i ever face the dare?! that kid wouldn’t know anyway if i just bought a diploma with a medal attached to it! after getting done with college, i dread living the student life again at this time when i can already be mistaken as a principal in middle school!

but just when my patience was almost running low on these graduate school professors, i had the skies turning gold.

“hell hath no fury like a woman scorned!” :-)
i thank my classmates who were kind enough to share their work full of wisdom. that ounce of compassion lend me a big hand to take center stage.

most of all, i thank those who were kinder not to share their labor, as they know they didn’t have the wisdom on it anyway! he..he..

the end justified the means, praise God. now i'm even with my young challenger.

my realization on this event? there’s an expression that says it all:

there is never time to do it right,
but there is always time to do it over.

so maybe PhD soon? don't dare me again, kyle, please..

nooooooooooo!!!!!!!!! i'm too old for this !!!! but hey, so what.. do it again, bu?

grab the baton

go for gold.
a s l i f e g o e s o n.

sky is the limit

2004-08-14T16:32:00.005+10:00

"not everyone is meant to make a difference;
but for me, the choice to lead an ordinary life
is no longer an option."

i fly thousands of feet above sea level sans wings. i lose track of the day and time often. i can get disoriented at where i am. i earn multiple stamps on my passport regularly..

whoa! did you say only the rich and famous experience that? think again. i do this almost daily with just 10 bucks on my pocket always.

"the story of my life is not for the faint of heart."

my usual routine keeps me high --- literally. where i go, sky is the limit.

"if somebody told you I was just your average ordinary guy,
not a care in the world,
somebody lied."

in my place, all that come require my presence – it’s imperative for their safety. such responsibility is flattering; on occasion, overwhelming. for should i fail, we all perish.

"whatever life holds in store for me, i will never forget these words:
WITH GREAT POWER COMES GREAT RESPONSIBILITY.
this is my gift, my curse."

don’t mess up with my will. federal law requires you to follow my command. it’s my call to act on emergencies. no compromise, no favors.

"who am i? you sure want to know? "

nahh.. i ain’t spiderman :-)

but yes, i’m in the neighborhood. and the best seat is mine alone.

ladies and gentlemen, fasten your seatbelts.

this is my station.

welcome aboard.

a s l i f e g o e s o n..

rock n roll instead!

2004-06-04T01:18:00.000+10:00

children’s songs are generic, i think. regardless of the rhythm – fast or slow - it gives a calming effect on the little ones. the music is par excellence; guaranteed to be an effective sleeping device.

even the not so young appreciate that kind of melody. it’s like enjoying a gentle back massage minus the charge of the parlor attendant.

and the beauty of it is that it doesn’t get ostracized in the passing of time, adopted generation after generation - culture differences set aside.
fantastic..

having said that, i thought it should be worth taking a good look at what these supposedly soothing songs truly convey. you see, i just realized, i’ve been singing them for years without analyzing the message ( i know, it's about time, bu ).
besides, i'm intrigued by some people's resentment on this repertoire; like lullaby is a fear factor ride for kids?!

let's hit the note once and for all.
one, two, ready, sing:

Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch a pail of water;
Jack fell down and broke his crown,
And Jill came tumbling after.

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the King’s horses
And all the King’s men
Couldn’t put Humpty together again.

Three blind mice, see how they run!
They all ran after the farmer’s wife,
Who cut off their tails with a carving knife,
Did you ever see such a thing in your life,
As three blind mice

London Bridge is falling down,
Falling down, falling down,
London Bridge is falling down,
My fair lady.

Drove her ducklings to the water, every morning just at nine
Hit her foot against a splinter, fell into the foaming brine
Ruby lips above the water, blowing bubbles soft and fine
But alas, I was no swimmer, so I lost my Clementine
Oh, my darling, oh, my darling, Oh, my darling Clementine
You are lost and gone forever, Dreadful sorry, Clementine

Ring around a rosie
a pocket full of posies
Ashes, ashes,
we all fall down

what's that again???? jack and jill tumbled (in the whole story, they were even kidnapped).. humptey dumptey disintegrated.. the 3 blind mice were hacked (what beast would do that to the blind?!).. london bridge is falling.. clementine drowned to death.. 'ring around the rosie' refers to a disease that killed millions in the 14th century..

did i get the wrong lyrics, or do they really all speak of sad stories???? did you notice, they all narrate traumatic scenes, my gosh! is this what we want the kids to hear??? errrrrr.. lest they've been too naughty that you intend to keep them awake the whole night, looking scared and all; in which case, i would assume that you're the "imaginative" composer of all these?!

let me get my bearings here.. what does a lullaby do again? i’m kinda lost.

soothing, huh. yeah, right.. duh!!!

there must be a good reason for the general theme of these supposedly “calming” songs.. there had better be!
i'm missing it, obviously; horrifying, to me, lullaby has become.

unless i get the point, or there be a dramatic change in children's songs, when i need to lull my kyle to sleep, i’ll consider revolutionizing the music; i'll go for some rock n roll instead!
as life goes on..

it’s yesterday once more

2004-05-23T08:38:00.000+10:00

when you become unfamiliar with the music played on the radio, you realize that it’s been a long time since you were in high school.

when i was young
i'd listen to the radio
waitin' for my favorite songs
when they played i'd sing along
it made me smile

ah, high school life. that was when the world seemed like all fun and adventure. life was a lot less complicated back then when much of my worries focused on just pleasing the teachers and trying to look pretty.

i had a good number of girlfriends that time with whom i exchanged silly tattletales and friendly banters. but sharing good laughs and secrets, i did exclusively with one pal. we call each other “igan” (yap, that word was already in our vocabulary long before it became a “salitang kanto”).

igan and i were, in many details, unlike each other: she’s eldest one in her family, i’m youngest girl in mine; she’s mestiza, i’m just a wannabe; her hair is curly, mine is straight (when i grew my hair long, she had hers cut short); she likes singing, i prefer dancing; she’s attracted to older men, i’m drawn to guys my age; she's good in numbers, i'm... ow, never mind..
but opposites attract, as they say; so we clicked.

with this person, i added a new word in the dictionary that only she and i can understand : "haya". that's the term. we'd use it to describe any emotion that we couldn't define ourselves. and we understand each other.. serrr..somehow.. i don't know how.

for the most part of that phase in our adolescence, snooping at our crushes, and getting stalked by the wrong boys make up the day for us.
ha!ha! those were the days..

those were such happy times
and not so long ago
how i wondered where they'd gone

when we went to college, the world suddenly became too big that we completely lost contact. blame it on our individual preferences on fields to pursue, we chanced upon each other just once or twice, i think, in the years that followed.

and then a grand reunion was organized, for two decades had already walked by. has it been that long!..
when we met again, gone were the young minds and untouched hearts that used to differentiate us from the grown ups. gained responsibilities and some broken dreams have matured us, no doubt; yet, the giggles and mischief became evident in a snap of a finger like we didn’t get disconnected for long. it was too amusing that i almost forgot how age and a few sad stories should have changed us now. 20 years estrangement was not a hindrance to rekindle the friendship and closeness we enjoyed once upon a time. perhaps, when you had it then, you'll have it always..

but they're back again
just like a long lost friend
all the songs i loved so well.

would others want to relive that innocent, high school life? i would. in fact, i do. with vividness..

those old melodies
still sound so good to me
as they melt the years away

amazing how i can clearly state some happy thoughts of many years ago, when i find it hard to remember what i had for lunch just yesterday (can you recall?)!..
the most classic episode for me was our high school bivouac, two nights stay into the woods, where senior training officers literally castigated us.. that tested my tolerance on igan, and her patience on me. i assisted her in an "emergency call of nature" (geez, i can’t believe i did that!); in return, she helped in the quest for my missing rubber shoes. we were both willing victim/s of each other, and didn’t mind the penalty we knew we’d get for reporting late in the drill.

no big deal doing that, i guess; but hey, no one else cared to join us in those ordeals!

and these days? in this part of the world where i am at? i have yet to know if there’s anyone willing to be my next victim..

in the midst of establishing a new life in a foreign land, where friends are a rarity at the start, i can only wish the good ole highschool days can come back..

lookin' back on how it was in years gone by
and the good times that i had
makes today seem rather sad
so much has changed.

through the years that igan and i were out of touch, many things have happened, a lot more still in progress.. family issues, career developments, heartaches and recovery. we have pretty much changed our course in life, but not our choice of friends. we both added wisdom to our ways, but retained some shade of childishness that will not end the way we relate to each other.

at present, we maintain contact through the wonders of email, bridging the 8,000 miles that separate us. once more, we share secrets and exchange opinions. we reflect, cry, laugh together in virtual connection. this time, more intense, more insightful, as we both struggle to meet people’s (mostly relatives) expectations of us; but that tinge of high school naughtiness always finds its way into our conversation. what a pleasure.. "haya" talaga! :-)

all my best memories
come back clearly to me
some can even make me cry
just like before

hooray to internet connection; i found ZARAH SANTONIL again (she’s mrs dizon now..)

come blink and sing-a-long,
while we bring back the best of times..

jinkies.. it’s yesterday once more.
as life goes on.

to infinity and beyond

2004-05-17T23:29:00.000+10:00

i dreamt of mom on mother’s day. how very timely. how so like mommy..

as far back as i can recall, mom calls me graciela; sometimes gracia. once in a while grace, never bu. but in all her letters, she calls me 'honey'.. suffice it to say that it was the title of her favorite song in the olden days.

“honey, I miss you
and I’m being good
and I’d love to be with you
if only I could”
to say that mom looked after all her kids was an understatement. i still remember how, in my younger years, she would never delegate the cooking task to the maids because she wants to ensure that the meals are seasoned to our liking.
and how, in high school, she would stock food on my bag that’s enough to feed all my girlfriends, with the instruction to “eat as soon as you feel the slightest sign of hunger; ok, gracia? never mind if the teacher gets mad; i’ll deal with them later!”
knowing her, you can bet your life that she'd do that..
and how, in college, she’d travel one and a half hours early morning to my dormitory, only to take out my uniform from the closet, put hanky on the pocket, polish my shoes, put stockings beside it, and make sure my purse is loaded so when i wake up, everything is set (notwithstanding the fact that my class is still in late afternoon so i have all the time to get it done on my own!). yes, i have the nerve to say it was happening in my college years. nye..

indeed, my first two decades in this world witnessed how mothers are so paranoid, so overworked. not that we ask them to be; it’s just that they’re naturally sadists to themselves that they won’t rest from taking care of the family.

in my mid twenties, mom (and dad later) moved to the US, while i opted to stay in our native land. that started my independence - but only to a certain extent.. you see, the only thing new with that arrangement is that i don’t get to see mom daily. her nosiness on my business continued; in fact, it manages to reach me like it travels with the wind. her unsolicited advice gets to me faster than a speeding bullet. grabe..

that is why we had a love - hate relationship. i grew up taking my dad's most distinguished quality : i'd rather be left on my own. that, certainly, didn’t correspond well with mom's preference. her character is the all knowing, too caring, so protective, almighty person in charge of the family who feels bad if, at least one of us, at any given time, would not require her help and attention.. by the way, there are 6 children and a daddy in the family to "baby sit".

she’s at her happiest when sought for assistance, and i was the least to give in to that; although given my weakness, it was a better choice to have her watch me always. obviously, i was too proud (a trait i got from her) to admit my vulnerability.

it's sad that i didn’t realize when i still can that the passing of time wouldn't halt till i accept how a mother's exaggerated affection is one of the greatest, if not the greatest, that could ever happen to me.. mom won’t be around forever; i should have known..
now, mom's song lingers in my mind..

"one day while i was not at home,
while she was there and all alone
the angels came.
now all i have is memories
of 'Honey' when i wake up nights
and call her name.
now my life's an empty stage
where 'Honey' lived and 'Honey' played
and love grew up.
and a small cloud passes overhead
and cries down on the flower bed
that 'Honey' loved.."
it’s been some four years already since i last saw her alive and still strong. cancer claimed her life, and i have been missing her badly.. absolutely right; the nosiness included.

especially these days when my unique trait of being the only sickly one in the clan seems to be acting up again, i can only wish that mom's snooping be once more notorious..

with on and off pain that loves to bother me, nothing compares to mommy's assurance that i’m fine. somehow, even the favorable results of my recent medical tests would not make my worry go away.
i have been inconsiderably stressed with this, and my sanity requires that i relax now or be really seriously ill!

well, the wonder of all wonders.. mom remains a mom even from up there.
while her prying eyes must have been focused on me as usual, she walked into my dream just to declare, “you’re okay, honey”.

what can i say, now i can relax. all it took was a few words from that all knowing, too caring, so protective, almighty person in charge of the family.

what is it about mothers, they always come at the right time.
they defy boundaries to no end.

oh, but of course. it's a "mother thing".
the warmth extends to infinity and beyond.
as life goes on..

where dreams come true

2004-05-09T10:38:00.002+10:00

there was a time in the past that i doubted if i’ll ever be in that comfort zone called marriage (as some would claim it to be). i couldn’t even decide if i should wish for it, as a love lost showed me signs that singlehood is a healthier status for one with a weak heart like me.

concurrently, a career in the airlines came along; too good that i felt this ride will thrill me forever so i had better just stick to it for as long as i can.

“the world is a great book, of which they who never stir from home read only a page” – augustine.

so travel i did..

however, fate has its way of getting in the way; thus a trip down the aisle took place. my date with the stork came 2 yrs after.

right there and then, i said "life couldn’t be better than this!" i spoke too soon; for life just keeps getting better..

i know for sure, she was sent here from heaven. with all that i’ve done wrong, i must have done something right..

kyle never ceases to amaze me. she plans like a modern day pixie. these were her words to daddy recently :
“i’ll set up a gift shop soon. i’ll call it WHERE DREAMS COME TRUE. it’s my store.”.

perfect name, i thought. the proud owner knows well what she can offer.

she’s too young for marketing plans, so the store may open 2 decades from now yet. unbeknownst to her, this early she already ‘sold’ at least one item–

joy.

from dawn to dusk and dawn again, i get my supply from her in bundles (in between, we haggle?!)

having a kid (and i mean specifically this one!) isn’t a fly-me-to-the-moon experience. ay, far from it, actually..
imagine 7 months confinement in bed while heavy with her; and now, fighting, crying with this girl is an almost daily routine like you wouldn’t believe it!

but then again, the hugs and kisses she gives later on are so precious, that it's worth going through the fighting/crying preliminary exercise (no problem, kyle; keep it comin'!).

my job in the the airlines? that's "economy class". this motherhood is the best ride i've taken.

i’m lovin it to the max.
as life goes on.

history repeats itself

2004-05-02T22:55:00.000+10:00

how many of us can draw our family diagram without asking help from our olds to include 3 generations behind? i’m not talking about the usual family tree - plotting the names of who-married-who; i’m referring to an elaborated chart that shows our relatives’ career, behavior, relationship with other members, etc.

genogram.

that’s what it’s called; the amazing technique that presents family affairs, not just connections. i remember getting startled when i did this in graduate school.

i explored my clan, examined both mom’s side and dad’s; traced my roots, renewed acquaintance on my kin's businesses.. somehow i knew all these, bits and pieces, from talks on past reunions; but i never paused to analyze our stories and see if there's any great resemblance other than our names.. and maybe our looks? actually, even that is not conclusive.
until now.. when putting one and one together in sequence, lo & behold, i validated an old adage. indeed, history repeats itself.

this is a fraction of what i gathered. it's like looking into a mirror..

all families got a son for a first born; each has 6 children born alive.
all had miscarriages on first pregnancies; each has fraternal twins.
all families have one military officer, one medical personnel.
those who are closest, or the most distant, share birth month -- like dad & i are both july born, gladys & george are both in august, glenn & gaylord are both in march, mom, john, & kyle are all in october, gina & cindy are both in november (holy macaroni!! that is really bizarre!)
in all families, at least one wanted to be a lawyer but had another luck.
in all families, the youngest and the eldest don't share many things in common.
in all families, the second to the youngest is daddy's pet.
in all families, the youngest girl is sickly.
in all families the 4th child is the least fortunate in a lot of ways.
in all families only one member did not leave the country of birth.

if that's not too much of a mere coincidence, i don't know what is!
and as if it ain't enough, many more synchronized phenomenon are unbelievably part of my family history, that i could almost claim what will happen to the generation/s following mine!
ahhhhhhh.. the magical events in ties that destiny brought us.. they make a pattern unnoticed and beyond the human mind.

i can’t help but ponder.. is our present life a reflection of our relatives’ past? can we get a glimpse of our tomorrow by looking back at granny's fate?

if the foregoing is any indication, a caveat to all who care: should you wish to reform the future, take time to revisit the past and redefine the present.

i shall heed.
as life goes on..

win some, lose some

2004-05-01T23:27:00.000+10:00

just recently, i consulted a doctor for abdominal pain with matching backache that won’t go away for weeks. the doctor who met me for the first time got surprised reading my long medical history – in her own words, it appeared like a novel. if she only knows, i didn’t even complete it.

to date, i probably doubled already a normal quota of illness that a careful person might have in a lifetime.. it doesn’t run in the family; it's just me :-(.
i grew up seeing the hospital as my second home. medicines are forever in my purse – be it vitamins or anaesthetic. yap, i’ve not been lucky in that department; good health was never my best attribute. nothing serious, actually; but a lot of recurring discomforts from head to toe (literally!), plus surgeries from time to time courtesy of my regular dose of mishaps (i'm a veteran on that; always at the wrong place..) make me a success story on pain management.

hey, don’t dare doubt my habits. i’m not the type who is into adventures that challenge death (i'm too vain for that, really). neither have i tried anything that may seriously hurt me other than a crazy love once upon a time (ho humm.. that’s another story).. by choice, i swear to clean living – no drugs, no cigarettes, no alcohol. gosh, i can be a spokesperson for the youth development! shopping is my only vice, and that’s even a good exercise (what with all the walking and weight lifting one needs to endure).

then why am i not a fitness expert? baffles me..
while i consciously maintain a hale and hearty daily routine to cheat the threat of frailty, others just go living a dangerous life and come out unscathed! some guys have all the luck..
as for me, if i escape getting infected by virus, i surely won’t miss a freak accident.

but need i gripe? nahhh.. i got a ton of blessings on my hand, and surviving is definitely one of them (haven't you noticed!).. more so, i'm ageing with grace, and not too many in my league can claim that (c'mon, let me have my moment. otherwise, just take it literally; apply my name to the argument, ok? hmmppp..).

that's right, am not less fortunate after all; in fact, i’m overwhelmed with my share of providence. and the timing is always perfect, praise God.

so never mind that i can't be sports page material; anyway i’ve been sickly long enough, it’s become a lifestyle i’m good now at carrying on. the gift of tolerance will cover up for the scarcity in wellbeing. some sad balancing act, no?
i pray it's the same for the few others who are like me..

hmmm.. the rest of mankind must have their own unique stories to tell.. i know coz that's how it is in this world : win some, lose some.
as life goes on..

only on "friends"

2004-04-20T22:48:00.000+10:00

they say "confession is good for the soul"; so here's my admission : i’m a shopaholic. but i’m manageable, really!.. so far..
at times (which is often) when i'm penniless, i can get satisfaction with simply window shopping. the word “shopping” remains on the activity; so even that lesser evil can be a therapy to me.

today was one of those days when society supports my hard habit to break – it’s “big sale” day on some shops, and “new stocks just arrived” day on my favorite store; so when a friend called (who also 'suffers' a disease -- tv addiction), i was so focused on my obsession, and so was she on hers.

--------
my friend: hey, what’s up?
me: nothing much. just “releasing some tension“ :-)
my friend: same here.. it's show time! and you know what i mean, am right on my comfort zone! he..he..
me: while i’m on my haven! he..he..

my friend: hay.. don’t you just love ross..
me: oh sure, i do! like you wouldn’t believe it!
my friend: ross’ clothes are so cool.. and ross shows big concern for women.. and ross has great appeal! geez, i can’t get enough of ross..
me: and i thought it was just me! so you finally joined my league?
my friend: or did you join mine!! well, sisters not in real life; but at least in passion, yes we are, huh!
me: you mean “fashion”, dear.
my friend: ha? hmmmm. whatever.

me: so.. anything you want from ross?
my friend: get me ross! he..he..
me: that’s too much to afford, sister. maybe one shirt will do.
my friend: yeah, right.. and just how do you plan to do that?
me: well, you can pay me later.
my friend: i mean, how will you get a shirt from ross?
me: what’s hard about that? i'm staring at ross now.
my friend: what????? ross is there???? i’ll go there now, i wanna see ross!!!
me: hey, why freak out? you’ve seen ross many times.
my friend: not in person.... is he really gorgeous?
me: who, the owner?
my friend: what owner?
me: of ross!
my friend: you mean rachel?
me: who’s rachel?
my friend: the owner!.. if that’s the term you wanna use.
me: oh, rachel is the owner’s name? a lady? i thought you asked if “he” is gorgeous?
my friend: are you drunk????? first you said you can get me a shirt from ross like he’s your friend, then you said he’s there, and finally, you refer to rachel as ross’ owner! hmmmppp... by the way, you know how they'll end the show? is the last episode out?
me: what episode?
my friend: of “friends”! helllllooooo.. nbc show… david schwimmer is ross geller, jennifer aniston is rachel green… are you with me or what?! grrrrr.....
me: heh! i’m referring to ross, dress for less – the shop!!.. you pathetic tv addict!!
my friend: nye…. you pathetic shopaholic!!

together: ahhahahahhaaha!!
--------

2 people, 2 addictions, one good laugh.
free when she calls, yours when you answer. only on “friends”.
i mean, on good buddies..

errr..… alright, on “friends”, the show . too!

there. both addictions covered. everyone happy.
as life goes on..

begin with the end in mind

2004-04-16T11:42:00.000+10:00

when people ask if i work, i reply with conviction, "you bet i do; i have kid/s, (one is a daughter; the other, a husband), and that's a lot of work!".. but if the question goes, "are you under contract with a company?" well, that's rather specific so i answer on a different perspective.

although technically, i'm not employed (as of this writing), i enjoy attractive perks like those given by multinationals -- medical insurance, clothing allowance, meal subsidy, housing benefits, commission on lucky days (a.k.a. shopping freebies, travel and tours!). i'm able to claim through the kindness of my co-signatory in the agreement called 'marriage'.

it's been quite awhile that i'm a full-time mother cum homemaker, dealing with enormous requisitions for production in the frias enterprises (i look at our household on a 'corporate' angle while i sorely miss the business world; but yes, it is 'domestic episode' that i'm referring to.. cool, huh!).

which brings me to realizing one thing: that i do not have an(other) office to go to every morning, nor a snooty boss to please each day, does not limit my deliverables -- manpower training, capital expansion, etc.. operations here run 24x7, and i'm on-duty for the most part of it! my actions shape the "organization’s aspirations", which require me to maintain an impressive "strategic management".

for that reason, effective immediately, my "performance appraisal" shall be based on carrying out this self-issued "executive order":

through my journey in life and love, wherever fate positions me, i commit to be inspired by what i now term:

MY PERSONAL MISSION STATEMENT
that I shall shield my child(ren) from pain
in the best way I know how;
that my man shall be glad to know my love and attention;
that my folks shall, from heaven, exclaim with pride:
“Well done, my child”;
that humanity may have a share of God’s blessings
bestowed upon me;
that, w/ truth as my weapon, I shall defend the oppressed,
and fear no accusation;
that I shall put to mind how life is never easy,
but I have the option to survive;
that struggles are here to stay,
and so does my skill to handle them;
and that I shall care for this world
for the greater glory of my God.

given the above, will i grasp my "company's desired vision" in the coming of old age? chances are bigger if i remain focused.

begin with the end in mind. my guiding principle to success for the "frias, inc."..

with God’s grace, i’m in control.
as life goes on..

continue an old tradition

2004-04-12T14:42:00.000+10:00

it’s easter. done again is another observance of the holy week. gone again is one more chance to continue an old tradition.

up until my parents had to permanently leave our native land, my memory of lent is somber in nature; thanks to mommy’s “panata” to have the ‘pabasa’ in our house yearly at the break of dawn on a holy thursday – it’s the traditional reading, in a slow melody, of the passion of Jesus Christ

mom and dad have rested in peace.. from then on, my sole contribution to mankind’s adherence to this time of the year is all of enduring a long day for visita iglesia. oh, i can almost see my mom frowning at this only effort i have committed myself to doing (to think I even afford myself the convenience of shortcuts on the trips!). my obedience to the call of catholicism (my interpretation, that is) has faltered, i must admit --- not to suggest that people who have other practices are less courteous, of course.. to each his own, so to speak.

so was i a better christian during my earlier years? i may not have hearthily joined the singing then, worse, i failed to comprehend its true purpose, for i was too young to emulate the old and the devoted (huh! the nerve to make adolescence a defense?!); but at least i did look forward to having it in our abode with much respect to those who oblige (yeah, right… like that’s something extraordinary?!)

yet again, all year round i do my daily rosary, sunday masses, weekly novena, nightly prayers. don't they cover up for my lapses on a holy week?

whatever.. i can only say i miss the family tradition. vague though it may have also been to my brethren (myself, in the front line..), i know that was a fixture we all wanted for a more intense feeling of serenity and closeness to our Creator.

perhaps i can plan on reviving it someday, somehow? it must be a delight to have the young once belting the tune next! the new brood anticipates, i'm sure. it's my generation's turn, and this time, no more excuses on not caressing its deeper meaning.

i’ll see.
as life goes on..

the truth and the mere imagined

2004-04-06T13:38:00.000+10:00

was browsing the net for just about anything when suddenly i came across this lovely site where a melody enchants. for awhile, i went into a trance..

tomorrow morning if you wake up
and the sun does not appear
i will be here

if in the dark we lose sight of love
hold my hand and have no fear
'cause i will be here

i will be here
when you feel like being quiet
when you need to speak your mind
i will listen
and, i will be here
When the laughter turns to crying
through the winning, losing, and trying
we'll be together
'cause i will be here

tomorrow morning if you wake up
and the future is unclear
i will be here
as sure as seasons are made for change
our lifetimes are made for years
so, i will be here

i will be here
you can cry on my shoulder
when the new tells us we're older
i will hold you
and i will be here
to watch you grow in beauty
and tell you all the things you are to me
i will be here

i will be true
to the promise i have made
to you and to the One
who gave you to me

i will be here

and, just as sure as seasons are made for change
our lifetimes are made for years
so, I will be here
We'll be together
i will be here

how i wish i am gifted with the voice that can serenade and stun even the mermaids..
to whom shall i sing? lest i be branded with a soul that lies, let the future come and say what really is thy heart’s desire; for a woman can always cry, "this one goes to thee alone", but only tomorrow can show the truth and the mere imagined.

in the meantime, the tune goes on playing, and i'm back in a trance.
as life goes on..

karma in the works :-(

2004-04-02T21:00:00.000+10:00

T’is true, oh so true, you only realize that your mother is right when you already have a kid saying, “mom/dad, you’re wrong!”..

when i was a child, mom would always bribe me to eat good (to her definition, that is) food, which, to my picky tastebuds that time, was nothing but awful.. how can green, leafy stuff, with no nuts and no toppings, meet the standards of a young mind??!!
to me, then and now, the best things in life are called ‘chocolates’!
(and i quote: "chocolate is, let's face it, far more reliable than a man!" -- -- miranda ingram)

it's a wonder that i haven't gotten signs of diabetis; for if i were to weigh all that i have taken of those sweets, i can surely feed a generation of ants in their lifetime!

funny that, as i continue to make futile attempts to introduce the green, leafy matters to my oh-so-choosy daughter, i borrow my mother’s words as if i don’t know that ain't gonna work.
“this is good for the body, kyle” is my famous offer of delight; and in much the same way that i used to taunt my mother, the kid replies to me in irony (exactly as you guessed it!), “mommy, you’re wrong.”

hmmmm... talk about vengeance rewarded to my old lady.. by a twist of fate, i have become my mother! just when i thought it ain't coming..

oh, well.. as mrs. gump had put it,

"life is a box of chocolates, forrest; you never know what you're gonna get."

karma in the works :-(
as life goes on..

it's gonna be a bright, sunshiny day

2004-03-31T01:04:00.000+10:00

six months ago today, i left for guam to start another "chapter". although not by choice, i welcomed the move with excitement to no end. the mystery of the unknown is a thrill to explore. never mind the threat of uncertainty; am i not used to big challenges! besides, the idea of travelling is enough to amuse me to great heights (hay.. i miss my 'saudia airlines' days.. wish i can fly again; say once more "welcome aboard, sir/ma'am!".

until God knows when, this place alien to me shall be what i will call home.

at present, i take pleasure in dealing with nice people, and the kind traffic.. clean beaches, fresh air.. simple living, blissful haven. i regard such wonders with awe, and frankly, it’s beginning to look a lot like a song..

I can see clearly now the rain is gone,

can see all obstacles in my way

Gone are the dark clouds that had me blind

It's gonna be a bright (bright), bright (bright) sunshiny day.

what sweet blessings that my country of birth can’t provide to my dismay..

why, then, do i feel the void that bothers me somehow? is it impatience on the gift of belongingness that has yet to dawn unto me in this new site? am i troubled with the thought that, suddenly, i’m a foreigner, a tourist, a stranger! claim not, i may, that i fit in as of this time..

i long for the busy sight of that city that cuddled me for years. i miss its touch despite the pollution and the clutter. who cares what they report about manila.. i hold it dear to me.. sincerely..

but then again, this island, my current dwelling, is a promise to kyle for a better life; an issue i would not compromise, albeit there is sadness in my heart.

hey, what's the fuss? happiness is a state of mind; a choice we can take (or shall i say, fake?)..
it’s a matter of attitude --- i just need to bear in mind; need to sing a little more..

I think I can make it now the pain is gone

And all of the bad feelings have disappeared

Here is the rainbow I've been praying for

It's gonna be a bright (bright), bright (bright) sunshiny day

ok, ok.. i shall choose to be jovial.. and so i am.

at least for now, it's gonna be a bright, sunshiny day.
as life goes on..

dream on

2004-03-25T19:00:00.000+10:00

"i want to be a model, mom."

whoa! was that my kid talking, or did i hear myself out!

right away, we went to john robert powers. on the way, i bravely said : "my child, should you make it big, it'll be your turn to back me up."
she laughed.. thought i was kidding.. i wasn't.

i told mochi (my name for this angel) that i, too, dreamt of scoring on the ramp, or kissing the kleig lights! suffice it to say that the dream/s never got dumped.
the passion for fashion hits me hard, and how :-)

age, if not looks, would matter.. or would it, really?
didn't a wise man say: 'if i can see it, then i can do it; if i just believe it, there's nothing to it!'

la,la,la... this one's for me :
If I can see it, then I can do it
If I just believe it, there's nothing to it
I believe I can fly
I believe I can touch the sky
I think about it every night and day
Spread my wings and fly away
I believe I can soar
I see me running through that open door
I believe I can fly

kyle has since been enjoying the shots, while i remain envious..
but make no mistake now; with kyle to back me up, dream on, yes, i shall!
as life goes on..